Danger. Critical photo shoot. Crazy mother up ahead.

I've disclosed that I am a freaker outer.  The higher the stakes the higher my heart rate. Which means I'm not the obvious choice for a pinch hitter, game point shooter, trauma care giver or exit row assistant. Knowing this, I try to avoid stressful situations because they give me a stomach ache but mostly because I go slightly crazy and I'm not very fun to be around. The task at hand looms larger than my loved ones, and I almost always regret my behavior.

Well, I have a little stressful situation coming my way. My daughter is going to college. I've written about this phenomenon before, and in my mind I know how great it is and how blessed I am blah blah blah, but my heart's working really hard to catch up with my mind. More about that later, but I'm just trying to explain why a little thing like a senior picture was kind of a big deal for me.

So on my wall in my living room I have pictures of all the children who have left home. When it comes to senior pictures, that's all I need. I don't need the hobby picture or the nature picture or the dressy outfit or the casual outfit. I just need one traditional background, chest and shoulder picture of my child for the wall. Let me rephrase that. I need one perfect picture of my child for the wall. And that's where the problem comes. Perfect means the stakes are high and I start to go crazy.

So I made the appointment and coordinated with said daughter for time and date. We talked about what time we would leave, I told her to choose her clothes, but I wanted it to be a solid color and blend with the other pictures. Then I tried to step back, but my stomach was churning and I felt the grinchy prickles of perfectionism undermining my feelings of peace and optimism.

On picture day I woke up on high alert but tried to repress the neurosis and act casual. I woke my daughter. She probably had an alarm set, but I could leave nothing up to chance. (Perfectionism likes to keep close company with control.) She took her shower and informed me that she had decided on her turquoise sweater because it was her favorite color. My mind screamed, "The turquoise sweater? The trim gapes! Unacceptable!!!" Reason tried to assert its voice, "That is a pretty color. It's not in as good of shape as it was. The trim gapes, but it's your choice." Crazy took over. "But you have to button it. I don't want to see layers of different colors..." Crazy didn't leave. I looked at my daughter and saw that her hair was still wet. Show time was in 45 minutes. My mind panicked, "Your hair is still wet! What if it's time to take the picture and you have wet hair? It can't be blow dried because it's curly. Why oh why didn't I wake you up earlier?" I tried to say something a little more logical than what I was thinking. "How long does it take for your hair to dry?" She replied, "I don't know." I thought I sounded normal when I responded, but I doubt that I did. "You really need to know how long it takes for your hair to dry so you can plan. When you get to college, you don't want to go on a date with wet hair, not to mention your senior picture is in 45 minutes." She was totally calm. She's cool like that. "I don't think it's a big deal for my hair to still be drying when I get picked up for a date. It will be fine, Mom."

On to make-up. She likes a natural look and is beautiful, of course, but in light of perfection I asked if I could dust her with a little eye shadow. I noticed the humidity had smudged her mascara so suggested she fix that and reapply. She fixed and said she'd reapply after she ate. She went peacefully about her business while I rocked around the house a ticking time bomb. At go time she promptly got in the car and away we went. I kept my mouth mostly shut and just let my crazy thoughts blast around in my head. "What if we're late? Did I get the check book? Where should I park? Should I come in from the south or the north? Did she brush her teeth? I'm sure she brushed her teeth. Is that a stain on her sweater? No, just a thread. Don't get a speeding ticket. Is that a policeman?"

And then it was time to start and we were sitting in the studio and she was relaxed and loving and I was gradually understanding that I have a problem, and if I have perfectionist thoughts they are no friends of mine nor my family's. I thought of all the school pictures we've taken and how I blogged about the best ones which are of the child's favorite shirts and natural faces. And then my daughter told me she had forgotten to reapply mascara, and I shook my head and laughed inside. And hopefully the photographer captured her beauty and love and goodness in my traditional background, chest and shoulders photo of my perfect daughter.

We need to work on our 4th of July celebration.

So, 2 years ago was the best 4th of July ever. It was the year of the family picture. All the Stoker kids were at my house at the same time, There were a lot of children, grown-ups, food, chaos, noise and fun and now I'll never be the same.

 Last year's 4th of July was saved by my niece and her family coming to visit. Once again, I loved 4th of July.

But this year, 2015, I only had 2 almost grown children and a husband in my house. That, my friends, is not enough for a celebration. What's the point of having 9 siblings and 9 children if nobody comes to visit on 4th of July? To be fair, there were efforts to plan family reunions by both groups, but it was a crazy year for siblings with 2 weddings and 3 graduations that took me to UT in May. It didn't seem feasible to go again in July. Several children (actually in-laws who somehow seem to be better planners than my actual children) tried to get people to commit to a reunion, but with different school schedules, and house purchases and in-law weddings, and our employment uncertainty we postponed the plans. It made sense at the time, and I didn't think much about it until I realized what my July 4th would look like, and then it was not okay with me. All children listen up, I want my holidays crazy and chaotic and a lot of work and inconvenience because so many of my loved ones are surrounding me. I was going to be stoic and brave and keep a stiff upper lip but decided I was going public with this tantrum. This way everyone will understand the expectations. And if you can't come to me, then just put out the air mattress and extra towels, because we're coming to you.

It's not that there were no good things happening  here on the 4th. We made an effort and the people that live here are lovely. So it is with gratitude for what I do have that I report on our Independence Day celebration.

We started the day dressing in our holiday shirts. Red, white and blue is the order of the day and indicate that the celebration has begun. By the way, this year we learned that White represents purity and innocence. Red stands for hardiness and valor. And Blue is for vigilance, perseverance and justice. Knowing that feels very festive.

We were on our way to the excellent PTC parade, but there was a downpour such that we were sure it was cancelled. Not so. Friends posted their pictures on facebook in short order and we had to be content with watching the parade vicariously through our drenched social media friends.

We spent the time at home planning our celebration. My experience has been that if there's not a list we just drift along the path of least resistance and that does not a celebration make. So we determined our holiday craft, our holiday outside activity, our holiday game, our holiday food and our holiday movie.

Our holiday craft consisted of making Birthday cards for our dear ones born on and near the 4th of July. Next up was red, white and bluifying a ping pong ball for 4th of July ping pong. Interestingly, I got some resistance to that idea. One male person in our family didn't want to waste a ping pong ball. Another was afraid that the magic marker would change the properties of the ball and alter the aerodynamics so as to ruin his game. They were kind and flexible to acquiesce to my request and did a nice job decorating said ball and donating to the cause.

There was a church hike planned  to Sweetwater creek, a place I'd wanted to go, so I was excited. However, the weather forecast predicted more rain at the hike start time, so we decided to forego this activity too. I recognized that this day was quickly becoming a regular sit around with the fam day so at this point I took action. Luckily the Sister missionaries and a good friend of mine were available to make sure it felt like a celebration. They consented to joining us for dinner. I started to feel a lot better about our fun level. We definitely needed more people for it to feel like a party. And if company was coming we'd better have some food. Guests are the best motivators.

Instead of our hike we drove a few minutes to Patriot Park. (Are we festive or what? Get it, Patriot?) We walked around the newly added veteran's memorial which was beautiful and actually felt very 4th of July-ish.

We had a lovely time with our company who added greatly to my happiness. Paul had made delicious holiday cupcakes and we enjoyed our holiday meal.

When our company left we played our family 4th of July ping pong which actually was a blast.

Our Independence Day game consisted of the girls' team designing questions for the boys' team to answer and vice versa. We didn't really make any ground rules. We just said, "Come up with historical questions about the 4th of July." There was a marked difference between the boys' questions and the girls' questions which made it...historical?

The girls' questions were:

1. Do as many push-ups as there are stripes on the flag and tell what they stand for.

2. Do as many sit-ups as there are stars on the flag.

3. Use sign language to write the last name of the person who sewed the first flag.

4. Form the numerals in the year of the Declaration of Independence with your body.

5. Name 4 real people who share the first name of the largest signature on the Declaration.

6. Where is the Declaration of Independence displayed and what are your favorite nearby museums?

7. Re-enact Paul Revere's ride.

8. Sing the song written by Frances Scott Key

9. Name the British King at the time of the Declaration of Independence.

10. What's the difference between the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights and the Constitution?

11. Who was America named after?

The boys' questions were:

1.What battle during the Civil War was the major turning point of the war?

2. What battle during World War II was the turning point in the Pacific?

3. Who was the President during the Vietnam War?

4. Which country started World War I?

5. Who invented the Polio Vaccine?

6. Where was the First Atomic Bomb tested?

7. Who was the First Governor of Georgia?

8. Who was the statesman who was a senator from Kentucky and died at the Alamo?

9. What was the first Nuclear ship?

10. Who was the First Astronaut to step on the moon?

Needless to say, the boys answered more questions.

After the game we watched "National Treasure." And that was that.

Luckily, on Sunday we were part of a lovely patriotic program at church written by Victoria Wilcox and Melinda Talley. It was during this program that I realized how blessed I am to live in this country and the sacrifice made by the patriots who declared and fought for independence for our country. And even if only 2 of my children were with me this year, I'm blessed beyond measure and have much to celebrate.

What to do in calm waters.

What do we do in calm waters? We prepare for the storms. I remember vividly my mother's telling of the fable, "The ant and the grasshopper." This story was always a bit disturbing to me. I saw the wisdom of the dedicated hardworking ants but definitely remember the picture of the likeable, fun grasshopper sunning himself in a lounge chair and the serious, and frankly slightly grumpy, faces of the ants preparing for the hard times. I had to admit, I liked the grasshopper better. That's why the final picture of the starving, freezing, remorseful grasshopper was so depressing. I knew I had a tendency to think like the grasshopper. How many examples are there of preparing for the future? We have Joseph in Egypt, pioneers crossing the plains, and many others. Thank you history.

It sounds like I'm heading in a "food storage", "get out of debt" direction, and that's a good direction, but I'm not. I'm headed in a "strengthen your faith and hope and love to withstand and serve during times of spiritual drought" direction.

It's summer and all is pretty well with the Stokers, give or take a few precarious situations, but nothing is burning or drowning or exploding or starving and so what do I do? I put my feet up and relax. I watch movies at night, read my library books in the day, do a bit of housework, but mostly make myself as comfortable as possible.  That isn't necessarily my plan, just the path of rest and relaxation-the path of least resistance, if you will. There is nothing inherently wrong with these behaviors which is why I was so confused when I felt myself drifting into a grumpy, worried, selfish, less healthy state of mind.

What was the deal? I checked my list for beautiful living. I was praying, right? Well, mostly, on the run, "Thanks for everything. Please bless me with what I want." Because I'm not really in trouble, I was not connecting to the One who gave all He had and gave me all I have. In fact, I was kind of acting like I didn't need any help or ideas from anyone else. No wonder I feel like I'm alone. I didn't invite Him to come and stay.

What about studying my scriptures? Are you kidding me? Almost every morning I read at least 5 chapters of the Old Testament in preparation for teaching seminary in the fall. No, I don't remember 1/2 of what I read. I'm just trying to get to the end, but look how many chapters I've checked off!

Well, apparently that's not enough. So outside of my marathon OT reading I took a few minutes to really study a few verses for myself. I read until I learned something, asking, "What is God's message to me? What do I need to improve on? What can I learn from the lives of these people?" This tiny change made a noticeable difference in my heart. Just like He promised.

I looked at some other aspects of beautiful living. I don't think I've been particularly unkind. I haven't really yelled at anyone in my family lately. Granted I only have 2 children at home, both of whom work hard to do good things, so if I'm yelling I just look like a lunatic, which has probably always been the case. But when I had a lot of wild little kids I felt so much more justified. I did notice that since everyone is so easy to care for now, I have gotten a rather indulgent attitude. My default mode is always on the selfish side so a little "think of others" adjustment is definitely in order. My new goals: 1. When family members come home, I will get off the computer or put down my book and greet them with my full attention. 2. I will do some little things for my husband, just because I love him. 4. I will sit around with my family in such a relaxed and cheerful state, that no one knows I have anything I'd rather be doing, because I don't. 5. I will actively look for ways to be of service to others, because when I'm holing up in my home, I can be hard to find.

For me, summertime is a time for reading, not my seminary lessons and educational literature, but whatever I want-novels mostly. I plop down on the couch and enjoy the story. My summer reading lists are long. Sometimes, however, I forget that not all reading is created equal. Just because it's a best seller or rated a 5 on Goodreads doesn't mean a book is good for my soul. Some of the books I've read this summer have been wonderful. I loved "The Robe," and "Gifts from the Sea," I enjoyed "A Girl Named Zippy."But some of my reading quests have been accompanied by an increased sense of hopelessness and dip in my positive outlook stores. As I have identified this, I conclude that if my chosen reading is dragging me through misery, I can either choose to close the book and take it back to the library or make sure I'm also exposing myself to literature that brings light. It can't be all  "Anne of Green Gable's " all of the time, unfortunately, and since there is no rating system for books that I know of, I will impose my own rating system and carefully choose stories of inspiration, hope and redemption.

All this because, although we are in the calm waters of summer, the time is for resting and preparing, not becoming weak. We should gather and store the light and nourishment that is in abundance, because winter will come again for a season, It always does. And we will be able to weather through the storms because we became strong when the waters were calm and the sun bright and the harvest plenty.