The do's and don'ts of sending a child off into the sunset aka college, mission, military etc.

Like many moms in the world, I just had a baby leave the nest. The angels who are in charge of counting tears have their work cut out for them.. There were already the military mom tears, the missionary mom tears, the "I'm off to seek my fortune" mom tears, and now add the millions of Fall Semester college freshmen mom tears, and we have a situation. This is not my first college freshman, nor my first college freshman post, but apparently I'm not done crying about it. My friend and I laugh, painfully, about the year our first daughters went away. I kept asking her if she was ready and she kept reassuring me that it would only be a blip. I wondered what was wrong with me. It had never felt like a blip before, more like 8.0 on the Richter scale. A couple of months later, my friend confessed, she was just trying to be optimistic. Actually her world was rocked. No blip.

So here are some rules to try and minimize the damage from the giant hit to the heart moms take when their children grow up.

1. Don't look at pictures of  your baby when he/she was a baby and ask yourself, "Where did the time go?" or "How could this have happened so fast?" or "Did I hug them enough, teach them enough, appreciate them enough?"

The time actually didn't go by that fast. We just have a bad memory. Some of those days were kind of long, remember? And you loved them as much as you could with what you knew at the time. But God loved them enough, and still does. Trust Him.

2. Don't go into their room and sit, and miss them, and feel the gone-ness.

It's great if there is a younger sibling to take over quickly, redecorate, and fill the emptiness with new. If you do not have that option, just keep the door shut for awhile until the memories start to fade and you need a refresher and can withstand the sweet sadness.

3. When you hear beautiful music or experience something your missing child would love, don't ugly cry. It makes people feel awkward. Just think of the toothpaste your child left in the sink or the overflowing garbage can in their bedroom. That thought will get you through the moment so you can find a quiet place to do the crazy, weeping mother thing.

4. Don't bore the people who knew that child with constant recollections of their amazingness. The mutual connections are comforting and there's a temptation to reminisce, a lot, but believe me when I say that the not-the-parents will move on a lot faster than the parents. You may get lucky, and someone may ask about your child. If that happens, hold on tiger. They don't want to know EVERYTHING. Usually they just want to know that said child is doing fine and is not engaged yet.

5. Don't feel hurt if your child does not seem to miss you as much as you miss them. They have no empty bedroom to walk by. They are not in a place where there are memories of you everywhere. They have not been thinking about how to solve your problems as much as they have been thinking about how to solve their own problems for the last 18 years. As many mothers have attested, "The happier they are. The less they call."

6. Don't think about what they are doing this minute. Another manifestation of this "don't" is memorizing their class schedule, googling their apartment, their daily route and surrounding areas. Don't Facebook stalk their new friends more than once. All these behaviors make time go by very slowly. This is no way to live if you want to feel like you will see them again soon.

7. And the last "don't." Don't think I haven't gained this knowledge the hard way. 

Here are the "do's".

1. Do picture your child as they are now: a capable adult with skills, knowledge and experience that they will build on through the next exciting phase of their life.

2. Do recognize that the time for learning at home, safe, with you, is over. This new phase of learning will amaze you. The next time you see them they will be sharing new data and adventures that will impress and entertain you. It's time for some new stories, don't you think?

3. Do be thankful for what happens in the family. Those younger siblings that lived in the shadow of the oldest at home, blossom and lead and become what they couldn't now that they have more light and aren't shaded by the older sibling tree.

4. Do adjust the grocery list. You may not need to buy greek yogurt or "Honey Bunches of Oats" or quinoa anymore.  

5. Do fill the empty spaces of life with goodness. Learn, serve, improve. Our child wants to hear amazing, entertaining stories from us too.

6. Develop a healthy, not demanding or hovering or needy, relationship with your adult child who will be bringing honor, education, faith, skill, in-laws and grandchildren to the family in the promising future.

7. Do love every season. Just like I don't go out and hold the leaves to the branches so they don't fall off (even though I'd like to sometimes). I can't hold my child back from the growth and improvement that can be theirs if I happily encourage them to move to the next step in their beautiful life.

As my daughter and I were driving across the state of IA we found a radio station that was playing hits from the decades. I was delighted when many of the songs were from the late 70's. I was car dancing and singing loud, "There's gonna be a heartache tonight." She hadn't heard the song before and asked, "Are you sure it's not 'There's gonna be a party tonight?" Since I'm bad at lyrics I questioned and looked it up. It was "heartache," but she had a point, sometimes it sounded like party. As I thought about that afternoon I realized  it was apropos that as we were driving her to UT, I was singing, "There's gonna be a heartache tonight," and she was singing, "There's gonna be a party tonight."

Anyway, have a party, little girl, with your roommates and cute Mormon boys in Calculus and BYU football and chorale class and learning and developing and your momma cheering you on.

PS. If you have a missionary I want to share a story. I remember sobbing as I secretly watched my son all the way through security. Two years later he came home a man, a righteous, shining, changed man. I could almost hear God saying, "Look what I've done with your boy."