Reaching for the Divine

I was watching a program on BYUTV called "Artful." Brian Kershisnik was one of the artists featured. He made many thoughtful comments that intrigued me, but one that I've been thinking about ever since was, "A significant part of being a human is reaching for the Divine."

 https://www.byutv.org/player/b5a3af8f-cb9f-4e8e-85eb-2a2de8761c84/artful-brian-kershisnik-and-paige-anderson

She Will Find What is Lost by Brian Kershisnik

Of this painting Brian wrote, "...many unseen forces are interested in you, love you, and work to influence matters for your profound benefit.  Most of what we all do is resist it, misinterpret it, or mess it up, but my experience indicates that these unseen efforts persist impossibly.  I thank God for that." 

Reaching for God- I love the word reaching. It is an action word that involves stretching in an intentional way that may cause us to become off balance. We may shift our weight and step forward. We reach for a hand for comfort or to show affection or to gain strength. We reach for a desired object on the top shelf. We aren't sure we can do it, but we hope we can, so we try. God is always there, loving us, planning for us, ready to give us aid, to help us be like Him, our Father. So if I'm reaching for God, I'm not just reading my scriptures, I'm looking for him, what I can do to be closer, how he thinks, how he blesses, how he teaches, what gifts he has that he would love me to have. And I stretch, intentionally leaning towards him with all my might.

Reaching for the Divine in self- We know we are God's children, his very creations, heirs to all he has. Usually I don't feel that divine. But within me and you are qualities that are beautiful, eternal, amazing. As I was watching Brian Kershisnik create, he spoke of liking to draw as a boy. "No one would have said, 'This young man shows a lot of promise." In his twenties he decided to give art a try. He painted and painted, thousands of paintings, some of which weren't all that good by his own description, but some of which were very, very good.

Nativity by Brian Kershisnik

 I'll admit, I'm a little envious of the masters, those who have worked and dedicated their life to becoming an expert in their field. But that's not the only way to reach for the divine in self. As I work each day to develop ideas, create beautiful spaces, solve problems, connect with the people I encounter, learn, grow, stretch in intentional ways, good things happen. I change. I'm not a master gardener or even a good gardener. I'm a girl who loves to partner with God in creating and helping plants grow to nourish and beautify. I work hard. I fail, a lot. My garden is becoming more productive. Good things are happening.

Reaching for the Divine in Others- This idea has been very enlightening and helpful. I'm always working on being a more loving, patient, kind person. I'm always working on this because, more than I care to admit, I find myself in a snit. People around me are not living up to my expectations, and I'm not happy about it. I'm not proud of this, but it's how I feel. I will not address how I'm not living up to others expectations. That's another topic completely. Reaching for the divine in others completely removes the performance aspect. I am not judging choices, I am looking for and finding the best. I am seeing the cheerful countenance, best intentions, special gifts-developed and undeveloped, heart's desire, and divine potential. I am not distracted by hair, clothes, untidy rooms, human frailties, or my unmet expectations. How freeing is this?

Thank you, Mrs. Kershisnik for teaching me about reaching for the Divine, the pure, the beautiful, the light, the edifying, the love in life.

Come Follow Me 2020.

 Every January we start a new course of study in church. The program is called, "Come Follow Me." We study at home with our families during the week. When we go to church on Sunday, we discuss our insights from our reading. 2020's course of study was "The Book of Mormon." I was excited to kick off the new year, so I changed the pictures in my home to match the study theme.

"Tree of Life" by Greg Olsen

"First Vision" by Greg Olsen

We all have to agree that taking down Christmas trees can be sad, so I left one tree up and made it a Book of Mormon Tree.

I decorated the tree with little Book of Mormon characters and favorite scriptures of mine and people I love who were passing through.

 2020 has been a wonderful year to be studying the Book of Mormon. Every day I found a scripture that gave  me the courage, faith, knowledge, or hope that I needed to face whatever craziness I encountered. Here we are at the end of the year, and I have to admit, I have gained significantly greater understanding of the scriptures I've read. I attribute this to the trials and challenges that prepared my heart in a new way. I was looking for answers and truth and comfort, and I found them. So thanks for a year of growth and clarity as to what is most important in this life. May 2021 be the year we apply what we've learned.

PS. Here is a list of the favorite BOM scriptures that were hanging on the tree.

1 Nephi 3:7 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them. Eliza.

1 Nephi 17:3 And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness.

1 Nephi 17:13 And I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye shall keep my commandments; wherefore, inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led towards the promised land; and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led.

1 Nephi 18:3 And I, Nephi, did go into the mount oft, and I did pray oft unto the Lord; wherefore the Lord showed unto me great things. 

1 Nephi 20:10 For, behold I have refined thee, I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction.

1 Nephi 21:15-16 For can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee, O house of Israel. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me. 

2 Nephi 2:6-7 Wherefore, redemption cometh in and through the Holy Messiah; for he is full of grace and truth. Behold, he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit; and unto none else can the ends of the law be answered.

2 Nephi 2:27 Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.

2 Nephi 9:18 But, behold, the righteous, the saints of the Holy One of Israel, they who have believed in the Holy One of Israel, they who have endured the crosses of the world, and despised the shame of it, they shall inherit the kingdom of God, which was prepared for them from the foundation of the world, and their joy shall be full forever. 

2 Nephi 9:51 Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, no your labor for that which cannot satisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness.

2 Nephi 10:23 Cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves--to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life. 

2 Nephi 22:2 Behold, God is my salvation I will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also has become my salvation. Annalisa

2 Nephi 25:26 And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and w write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins. Paul

2 Nephi 25:29 And now behold, I say unto you that the right way is to believe in Christ, and deny him not; and Christ is the Holy One of Israel wherefore ye must bow down before him, and worship him with all you might, mind, and strength, and your whole soul; and if ye do this ye shall in nowise be cast out.

2 Nephi 26:27 Behold, hath the Lord commanded any that they should not partake of his salvation? Behold I say unto you, Nay; but he hath given it free for all men; and he hath commanded his people that they should persuade all men to repentance. Behold, hath the Lord commanded any that they should not partake of his goodness? Behold I say unto you, Nay; but all men are privileged the one like unto the other, and none are forbidden

2 Nephi 27:23 For behold, I am God; and I am a God of miracles; and I will show unto the world that I am the same yesterday, today, and forever; and I work not among the children of men save it be according to their faith.

Mosiah 4:5 Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend. And again, believe that ye must repent of your sins and forsake them, and humble yourselves before God; and ask in sincerity of heart that he would forgive your; and now, if you believe all these things wee that ye do them.

Mosiah 4:19-20 For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and fo all the riches which we have of every kind? And behold, even at this time ye have been calling on his name and begging for a remission of your sins. And has he suffered that ye have begged in vain? Nay; he has poured out his Spiit upon you, and has caused that our hearts should be filled with joys, and has caused that your mouths should be stopped that ye could not find utterance, so exceedingly great was your joy.

Mosiah 4:21 And now, if God, who has created you, on whom you are dependent for your lives and for all that ye have and are, doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right, in faith, believing that ye shall receive, O then, how ye ought to impart of the substance that ye have one to another.

Mosiah 5:8 And under this head ye are made free, and there is no other head whereby ye can be made free. There is no other name given whereby salvation cometh; therefore, I would that ye should take upon you the name of Christ, all you that have entered into the covenant with God that ye should be obedient unto the end of your lives. 

Mosiah 5:15 Therefore, I would that ye should be steadfast and immovable, always abounding in good works that Christ, the Lord God Omnipotent, may seal you his, that ye may have everlastng salvation and eternal life, through the wisdom, and power, and justice and mercy of him who created all things, in heaven and in earth, who is God above all. Amen.

Mosiah 18:12 O Lord, pour out thy Spirit upon thy servant, that he may do this work with holiness of heart.

Alma 37:35-37 O, remember, my son, and learn wisdom in thy youth; yea, learn in thy youth to keep the commandments of God. Yeah, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever. Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day. Mary

Alma 37:44-45 For behold, it is as easy to give heed to the word of Christ, which will point to you a straight course to eternal bliss, as it was for our fathers to give heed to this compass, which would point unto them a straight course to the promised land. And now I say, is there not a type in this thing? For just as surely as this director did bring our fathers, by following its course, to the promised land, shall the words of Christ, if we follow their course, carry us beyond this vale of sorrow into a far better land of promise. Elder Bailey

Alma 48:17 Yea, verily, verily I say unto you, if all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men. Janet, Andrew and Gabe

Ether 12:12 For if there be no faith among the children of men God can do no miracle among them; wherefore, he showed not himself until after their faith. Natalie

Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become string unto them. Kyle 

Moroni 7:41 And what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the Atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise. Janet

Moroni 8:26 And the remission of sins bringeth meekness, and lowliness of heart; and because of meekness and lowliness of heart cometh the visitation of the Holy Ghost, which Comforter filleth with hope and perfect love, which love endureth by diligence unto prayer, until the end shall come, when all the saints shall dwell with God. Jacob

Moroni 10:32 Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God. Jeff

Moroni 10:33 And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ, which is in the covenant of the Father unto the remission of your sins, that ye become holy, without spot. Elder Todd

 

Don't forget the camellias. .

 Yesterday I realized it was time to bless my plants with a little water. It has been coolish, but we haven't had rain for a while. I walked around the perimeter of my yard dragging my hose around corners, trampolines, (well, one trampoline) and in some cases over plants to reach every green thing growing in the yard. I scrutinized each plant to see if it had fungus issues or needed insecticide or if it had been eaten by deer. I was looking over some azaleas lamenting that they had problems. Should I spray them, move them to a place with more light? How could I get these bushes to be okay? I was really worrying about them and what I should do differently.

And then I looked to the left and realized that my sweet camellias could not be working any harder to make me happy. I felt sad at my lack of gratitude for their contribution and loyal service. I felt even sadder as I realized that I need to be more grateful for the friends and family who are so kind to me and try so hard to bless me with their love and goodness. I'm sometimes so preoccupied with problems that I neglect my blessings. So let me take this time to say, "Thank you" to all who are making life more beautiful for me and others with their beauty and light..

I'm here. friend.

It's the day after Easter and my heart feels tired. Easter is a day full of feelings, but Easter 2020 was a doozy.  Because of Covid-19, (I'm sick of saying that.) I did not go to church and worship with my friends in my sanctuary, nor gather children and grandchildren or friends around my table. But I did my best to celebrate with the opportunities afforded me. My husband administered the Sacrament and we renewed our covenants in our home. I joined a zoom meeting with my church community. I virtually talked to many of my children and grandchildren, and I participated online in several of the beautiful music offerings made available because of, you guessed it, Covid-19.

 I have never seen Rob Gardner's "Lamb of God" production in person. I'm a fan of the songs, "Savior Redeemer of my Soul" and "My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee" so I figured I would enjoy his work, but I was not prepared for how moved I would be throughout the program. One particular song was so heart breaking, so emotional, I'm still thinking about it today. It is when Peter sings, "I Cannot Watch Them." The premise is that Peter has just denied Christ. He is so sorrowful, he cannot watch the proceedings of the Crucifixion.

Peter sings these words, "When thou looketh for a friend, thou found none for I have fled. "I have only respect for Peter knowing that I have no idea what it is like to be him. I guess that's what I hate so much about this part of the story. "If  Peter, why not me?" I am also encouraged that he went on to be a loyal disciple and did much good to bring people to Christ. "If  Peter, why not me?" But in terms of the piercing words he sings, I had to ask myself, "When Christ looketh for a friend, would he find me because I've stayed?" The alternative is horrifying to my soul. I must stay. I must be a loyal friend.

The next question is, "What makes a loyal friend?" A loyal friend defends when others attack. A loyal friend apologizes for offense. A loyal friend remembers and reaches out. A loyal friend cares for loved ones. A loyal friend aids when help is needed. A loyal friend is constant.

The other question I ask is what would Christ need a friend for? It's true he has many friends, but if I am to be included in that illustrious group it's important for me to know the answer to this question. Might he need me to care for my mother? She's his friend, and by helping her I might be helping him. Might he need me to rock the crying baby that he sent to my house? Might he need me to develop my talents so I can accompany the songs of the heart that his friends want to sing to praise him? Might he need me to speak kindly so his loved ones feel and believe in love? Might he need me to forgive offenses so my heart is not filled with anger, and he can communicate with me? Might he need me to tell all the people of the world that he already paid for their sins and they only need to "Come unto Him" and make and keep sacred covenants to be saved and sanctified and be counted as friends? That's scary, but I can do that. Because my greatest desire is also a line in this song: "But when my eyes are closed in death, His words will hang in my last breath. I know him."

Fight the good fight.

So here we are: Covid-19, earthquakes, tornados, economic uncertainty, mental illness, injustice, addiction, cancer, violence, immorality... My wee little brain is just trying to not worry and be happy. I recognize, however, that we are part of an exciting time. An exciting time with a lot of work to do. You could say we're fighting an uphill battle. Fighting a battle isn't a fun idea or a relaxing idea, but it's an empowering idea and a proactive idea, and it helps me get up off of my scaredy-cat couch and out of my "I'm a victim" bed.

In order to have a proper battle, one must have a cause and an opponent. At first glance it feels like we're fighting to live, and we are, but I believe the cause is more than that. We are fighting to live well, not only for this life, but for eternity. And make no mistake, we are being attacked. Our families, health, religious convictions, and values all need to be defended.

My most difficult battle is the battle I am fighting in my own mind. And it changes from minute to minute. What's it going to be-perfectionism, apathy, selfishness, anger, pridefulness, appetite, laziness, intolerance, fear, discouragement?  I realize that my battle needs a hero, and I have one.

In the Book of Mormon there are two warriors, Moroni and Zerahemnah and here's how it went  down: The armies of Moroni "were inspired by a better cause, for they were not fighting for monarchy nor power but they were fighting for their homes and their liberties, their wives and their children, and their all, yea, for their rites of worship and their church. And they were doing that which they felt was the duty which they owed to their God...And it came to pass that when the men of Moroni saw the fierceness and the anger of the [army of Zerahemnah], they were about to shrink and flee from them. And Moroni, perceiving their intent, sent forth and inspired their hearts with these thoughts--yea, the thoughts of their lands, their liberty, yea, their freedom from bondage. And it came to pass that they turned upon the [army of Zerahemnah], and they cried with one voice unto the Lord their God, for their liberty and their freedom from bondage. And they began to stand against the [army of Zerahemnah] with power; and in that selfsame hour that they cried unto the Lord for their freedom, the [army of Zerahemnah] began to flee before them; and they fled even to the waters of Sidon. Now, the [army of Zerahemnah] was more numerous, yea, by more than double the number of the [army of Moroni] nevertheless, they were driven insomuch that they were gathered together in one body in the valley, upon the bank  of the river Sidon. Therefore the armies of Moroni encircled them about, yea, even on both sides of the river...when Zerahemnah saw that they were encircled about by the armies of Moroni they were struck with terror."

 At this point Moroni commands the army of Zerahemnah to make a covenant of peace or be destroyed. What stands out to me is what Moroni says next:"Ye know that ye are in our hands, yet we do not desire to slay you. But now, ye behold that the Lord is with us; and ye behold that he has delivered you unto our hands. And now I would that ye should understand that this is done unto us because of our religion and our faith in Christ. And now ye see that ye cannot destroy this our faith. Now ye see that this is the true faith of God; yea, ye see that God will support, and keep and preserve us, so long as we are faithful unto him, and unto our faith, and our religion; and never will the Lord suffer that we shall be destroyed except we should fall into transgression and deny our faith.

Our safety and sure victory lies in our faith in God. Just as He strengthened the arms and gave power to Moroni's army in his battle. He will strengthen us and send help in these challenging and overwhelming times. We needn't be afraid, only committed. We have work to do. God will impress upon our hearts what we should do with these precious minutes with our family and away from our busyness. Where is our list of good things we wanted to do when we had time? It's time to shine and fight the good fight. God is at the helm and we have a prophet to guide us. Watch for the miracles because they're on their way.  And when the opportunity comes for us to act with courage in doing good. Don't shrink. Our cause is just.                                                                                         

Don't let the bitter cup make you bitter.

Bitter-1.not sweet. 2. Angry, hurt or resentful because of one's bad experiences or a sense of unjust treatment.
So, we're weathering a couple of storms over at our house. And I know you are weathering some storms at your house. I know this because that's how life goes. Houses flood. Cars break down. People disappoint us. We disappoint them. And I, for one, do not like it. Do you know what I like? I like smooth sailing, good news, happy people, appliances that work perfectly- always, basically me bon voyaging through life.

Instead, we have occasional super awesome amazing days with lots of crazy other days. One of the things that's making me crazy right now is trying to register my mother's car. This is a long, whiny story, but it illustrates a principle. There are a few things required to register a car in the great state of GA, not a million things, just a few. Why is this so hard?

1. Title-In January Mom directed me to her safe and provided the combination. Unfortunately the safe was old, and the combination no longer worked. Coincidentally (miraculously) a friend was able to remove the door with his tools so the title was acquired. Crisis averted. Should be easy from here.

2. Driver's license-this includes birth certificate and marriage license which were on the moving truck which was supposed to come the end of January, but instead came the end of March. We ordered another birth certificate, but when trying to order the marriage certificate we were told by 3 counties that they didn't have it. For the record, it was in Salt Lake County (the first place we called).

3. Emissions certificate was obtained in January but expired while we waited for the marriage license. By the time the marriage license came, the car battery was dead. My husband replaced the battery. When he went in to get another certificate, he was told that he had to drive the car 100 miles with the new battery before they could issue another certificate. Mind you, we were to drive 100 miles without car registration. Basically, we were driving around trying to avoid the po po.

4. GA insurance. I was informed that Nationwide is not really nation wide. We needed insurance from GA. We got new insurance. A month later I received an email saying that I had not supplied proof of previous insurance. (I had emailed it to them.)  On the phone they said they would reinstate the insurance and they were sorry for the inconvenience. Today, June 3, I went again to try and register the car. I was told that our insurance policy was not in the GA data base. This was the 3rd visit to DDS in 3 months.

I did not feel sweet. I was angry and resentful because of my bad experience and had a sense of unjust treatment. I managed to not take it out on the DDS employee, but I was thinking up all kinds of threats in my mind for the insurance people. In the cooling down process, I have recalled some truths that I believe.

 Richard G. Scott said, "God loves us more than our happiness." We also know that "Man is that he might have joy." 2 Nephi 2:25 The hard part is trusting that the trials we encounter, ranging from inconvenient to excruciating, can land us in a joyful place. Obviously, we need to make the best choices we can to minimize upsets, but living in this mortal world as a mortal can be tricksy. From up close, sometimes it seems like life is really falling apart. But judging from the mountains in Yosemite, the bays and beaches in Hawaii, roses, fireflies, hummingbirds, butterflies, and sweet little chubby babies, God is a very good planner, and if we "Walk uprightly and be believing all things will work together for our good." Doctrine and Covenants 90:20

Since God created us, he knows all about what humans are capable of. He knows what he wants us to be and he knows how to get us there. He also knows that we have to choose. We have to choose to trust him and obey him and love him and try again when we do it wrong and call on the name of Jesus Christ for grace and mercy. In short he wants us to change into someone pure and beautiful and full of love and other Christlike qualities, one of which is patience.

 God wants his children to be like him and have the joy that he has.  I think about what I do to help my children change. If I want my children to become strong I might have them stack wood or some other strenuous, long lasting task, but they don't like it. If I want them to learn the law of the harvest, I have them plant and weed and water a garden, but they don't like it. If I want them to learn to be obedient, I give them rules and consequences, and they don't like it, but I don't care. I love them and I know they'll thank me later.

So, if my Heavenly Father wanted to help me be more patient, wouldn't it be perfect to have me encounter obstacle after obstacle in trying to accomplish a potentially simple task? I can be angry and learn the long slow way,  or I can be flexible and try again and look for lessons to learn and accept the opportunities to change and improve and trust that things will work for good.

Which leads me to the title of this post. This is a powerful little principle that my daughter taught me. Just as Jesus was humble and obedient in His trial and said, "Not my will, but thine be done." We can trust in God and his love and plan for us to change and grow and then serve him even better. We don't need to become bitter when we drink the bitter cup or cups that are a crucial part of this beautiful  process we call life. In fact "we can see that the Lord in his great infinite goodness doth bless and prosper those who put their trust in him." Hel 12:1 "The fear of man bringeth a snare; but whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe." So when I don't get what I want right now, even though it's an excellent idea if I may say so myself, I will try not be angry or resentful. I will be sweet and flexible and trust that I'm going to love the ending to my story.


PS. I got the car registered.

Washed white

Because of some recent opportunities in church, I have become a steward of sorts over about 20  white tablecloths. Can you imagine the beauty of brand spankin' new, gleaming white as snow tablecloths? Five of the linens blanca debuted at a luncheon serving some very responsible adults .To our credit, the menu included food that was light in color; poppyseed salad dressing, creamy chicken and wild rice soup, bread, and a lovely lemon curd dessert. There were a few berries in the dessert, but they went straight from the spoon to the mouth in all cases. The diners ate very neatly and left the tablecloths with minimal food damage.  I took the tablecloths home, treated a few low pigment spots and washed them 2 at a time. I loved pulling them out of the dryer restored to their gleaming state and then folding them and returning them to their wool white sisters.

Outing # two for these fair maidens was earlier this week. It was a special occasion and they did their job making everything look beautiful. They held their centerpieces and place settings well as spotless canvas ready to receive fallout from life. The guests at this event were responsible as well. It was a wonderful gathering with all ages of lovely people. As one would expect with younger guests, a few berries and chocolate smear landed on the white. Such is the fate of tablecloths. If they do their job. they receive soil and stain, for life is all about mistakes and imperfection. Once again, I took the tablecloths home. This time I had 11. This time I had reds and browns to scrub and soak. My bathroom was full of  tainted piles of white.Then my washer was full of piles of not as tainted mostly white. But into my dryer I placed clean white cloths. In hopes that I could minimize the wrinkles I draped the cloths on all the banisters of my house. My world was white like winter, white like a new start, white like I imagine perfection to be.

The Prophet and President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints, Russell M. Nelson, has asked us to read The Book of Mormon before the end of the year. I have read this powerful Testament of Jesus Christ many times. I am reading it again before the end of the year as requested. I have marked scriptures that testify and teach of Jesus Christ. I have marked passages that teach me how I can be a better disciple. I have marked old favorite verses that mean more to me every time I read them. I observe that life has taught me and changed me and prepared me to make this reading the best yet.


Today I read Alma 13:11-12 "...They were sanctified, and their garments were washed white through the blood of the Lamb. Now they, after being sanctified by the Holy Ghost, having their garments made white, being pure and spotless before God, could not look upon sin save it were with abhorrence; and there were many exceedingly great many, who were made pure and entered into the rest of the Lord their God."

And do you know what? I knew what white was. As I read about garments being made white I thought of yards of tablecloths draped on my banisters. When I read about being pure and spotless before God I pictured my bathroom as the starting place for removing chocolate and berry trifle. When I read about looking on sin with abhorrence I thought of how glorious clean tablecloths are and what a shame it is when they become stained. And when I read about being washed white through the blood of the Lamb, I felt love and gratitude for my Savior that I can become clean when I make mistakes and be sanctified if I believe on His name and repent and walk the covenant path.

I'm thankful for white tablecloths and new starts.

Don't turn around too soon. You're not quite there.

Last week I recognized that I needed to exercise, for sure, today. I decided to walk down to the lake and back. I pulled up a conference talk on my phone and set out. When I got to the lake parking lot, I stepped off of the sidewalk and onto the black top and made an about face. As I did, this impression came to my mind, "Are you going to come all that way and not be healed?" I had reached my goal, but was going to skip the best part, the lake. So, I turned around and went the extra mile, er yards, to stroll along the dock, gaze into the water, feel the breeze, and look for turtles.

                                  As I walked back through my neighborhood, (up some very challenging hills) I thought of other applications for this principle. When I read my scriptures do I get to the next chapter and close the book, or read until I feel something and learn something and change? When I go to church  do I turn around in the metaphorical parking lot or go all the way to renew covenants with the Savior, remember Him, receive and share his love, and let it heal me.

My to do list is a great tool. I just need to remember that I want to do more than check things off. I want to grow into something beautiful, loving and good.

I'm pretty sure that if I worry enough my children will never fall short or be unhappy or make a wrong choice.

II"M PRETTY SURE THAT IF I WORRY ENOUGH MY CHILDREN WILL NEVER FALL SHORT OR BE UNHAPPY OR MAKE THE WRONG CHOICE.

I must believe this because why else would I continue to expend so much energy in areas I cannot control? Well, I try and control them, but more accurately, I have a certain amount of influence which should, under ideal circumstances, be diminishing since my children are mostly of the young adult variety.

                                                   What I think is happening:

What my children think is happening.  (Actually sometimes this happens)

What is really happening

I've tried to be brave and wear a casual front. I encourage trying new things and following dreams and inspiration. I want my children to be themselves and expect them to explore their unique gifts. I say, "Go have an adventure!" and I mean it. But my mind and heart are constantly thinking of them. I find myself trying to picture them in their spaces, hoping they're safe and content and kind and loved and honest and faithful. I have a life of my own. I sure do. I just haven't had my brain to myself for 36 years. That's fine except my brain space should represent my home space. 8 of my 9 children live outside my home, you'd think they'd be living outside my head also. A mother's love is a powerful tether.

About 20 years ago my 21- year- old brother and I were driving to the zoo in the neighboring city. He was driving my car so I could care for the children buckled into the back seats. I thought I was pretty relaxed, but then my brother asked me a question just as we were going around a ramped curve. I said, "Wait until we get past this part of the road." He laughed at me and asked if I thought it would make a difference in our safety if  I didn't stop the conversation to worry. I dismissed his ridiculous comment and assumption with a defensive statement, further proving how wrong he was. I have remembered that moment to this day. So now I admit, I do think my worrying improves everyone's safety. We didn't crash, by the way.

My worrying improves safety in the way I have chest pains when I wake up in the morning if someone I love is in spiritual, academic, social, emotional or physical peril. It improves safety in the way I ask stressful questions packed with fear to make sure everyone is on the same level of worry that I am. It improves safety in the way that my view of a hopeful and bright future is dimmed by my hyper-focus on the storm, trials and danger ahead. I guess this all adds up to my worrying improving safety not at all.

Yesterday when I was reading my scriptures I smiled as I read a familiar verse which stops me with its relevance every time. Jacob 4:18 ..."if I do not, by any means, get shaken from my firmness in the Spirit, and stumble because of my over anxiety for you." Apparently a person can be shaken from firmness in the Spirit if they are over anxious for people they care about. That doesn't sound very safe.

In church this past weekend, the teacher shared this quote that her mother had heard from Elder Robert C. Gay in Stake Conference in Tulsa, OK, "Your child has a Savior and it's not you." When I heard this I paused, and my heart began to expand and become free from it's tightly wound vigil. I not only can't save my children. I'm not supposed to. They have to choose. They have to learn. They have to turn to the One with power to save, lift, heal, magnify, and exalt.

I'm not supposed to be driving my older children's car on their life's journey. I'm not even riding in the back seat. I picture my job as standing on the side of the road with 2 signs, one with a heart so they know I love them, and one with an arrow pointing up.

My last child received his driver's license this summer.

We started the driver's education process with him studying the road rules and then taking the written test so he could procure his driver's permit. Then we had him drive slowly, very slowly around the parking lot. The next task was to drive from cul-de-saq to cul-de-saq in the neighborhood, once again very slowly. I educated him on staying in his lane and not hitting mailboxes and slowing for turns and preserving the lives of pedestrians. Next we went out on the open road with increased speed. He became the main driver to seminary, but I always backed the car out of our dangerous, slanted and curved driveway. It takes a miracle to avoid our menacing mailbox. He drove to Augusta on the GA interstate which was an exhausting and intense experience for all of us. He practiced parallel parking and backing into the parking lot and was finally ready for the driver's test. He is now a legal GA driver. But there was more for me to do. I had to actually get out of the car and trust him, even backing out of our driveway. So one night I told him to drive himself to the youth activity at church. I nonchalantly handed over the keys and said see you later. OK, I actually said, "Text me when you get there."  But, he got there and hit no mailboxes, because he is a capable, problem solving, teachable human. And when that's not enough, he is loved and watched over by heaven.

Trust is a Christ-like quality. He trusts us with agency and life and the ability to progress. As a mother my stewardship is to protect and love and educate and when the time is right, get out of the car. I can trust in the Savior and His plan and I can also trust my children to get to their final destination.They will probably scratch their car, have a flat tire, make a wrong turn, be lost for a while, maybe even totally wreck. But that's how we learn to drive. I gave them the best directions I could. I can worry if I want, but they won't be safer so I'll just drive my own car. They're in good hands.

Pressed down, and shaken together, and running over.

 I've been in pretty close contact with my daughter this weekend. Apparently, after spending a fun-filled few days in the Chicago area with her husband interviewing and the family having a blast with our friends in Bourbonnais, their return plans hiccuped a bit. There they were, driving along hwy 80 in their faithful car that has about 1 million we're-going-to-visit-someone-we love miles when it broke. The blahdia-blah started more-mechanical-words and all they could do was take the exit that miraculously presented itself, blow through the as-luck-would-have-it empty intersection and coast around the World's Largest Truck Stop a few times until the car came to a stop. Not a fun situation to be in with a 3 yr. old and a 1 yr. old.  With this problem solving opportunity presenting itself my son-in-law visited with the people inside the truck stop of all truck stops. They recommended an honest and skilled local mechanic who would definitely be their guy except he was currently attending an event in Cedar Rapids and wasn't due back till the evening.

In the meantime, 3 yr. old had accidently dialed our friend in IL who had tried to return the call. While they were sitting in the parking lot considering options my son-in-law saw the call and, not realizing that 3 yr. old had initiated the correspondence, called our friend to see what he wanted. It was during this conversation, which not one of the adults would have thought to instigate, when our friend revealed that it was this exact spot in the middle of nowhere in the center of America where his family and his in-laws lived. In a very short time my daughter, her husband and children were picked up and welcomed into a warm home. Their certain afternoon fate of walking the gas station aisles, perusing the overpriced candy, cookies and chips,trying on camo hats, and choosing between Iowa key rings and magnets would, in actuality, be spent with friendly faces in an Iowa farmhouse.

Beloved stranded student family waited patiently since solutions to their plight really couldn't be decided until the condition of their car had been professionally diagnosed. Good guy car mechanic got held up in Cedar Rapids and couldn't help them on Saturday, but promised to put them at the top of the list and look at the car for sure on Sunday. This was a generous offer since I'm sure he would have liked a free day on his weekend. The afternoon hospitality stakes got a little higher, but the generous hosts offered not only a place to sleep but a car to use so my daughter and son-in-law and babies could attend church in the town nearby.

Unprepared for Sabbath on the road, my posterity attended church with the adults in jeans and children in pajamas. The church strangers welcomed them kindly. Upon learning the fate of my cute people, one new church friend offered to let them borrow his extra car and return it later when they picked up their car, if and when it was repaired. The benevolent hosts at the farmhouse had also offered the use of their second car while they were on vacation. When friends from home discovered my daughter's plight they called and said, "We're driving 4 hours to pick you up right now and you can use one of our cars." As a mother who was hearing the story unfold, but not in a position to offer much in the way of help, I was overwhelmed with love and gratitude to the kind people who took care of this little family. In the end, the awesome mechanic fixed the timing belt for a very reasonable price and declared their car to be in surprisingly good shape.

Today in seminary we studied Luke 6:38 "Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again." When I read the words "pressed down, shaken together, and running over I thought of the day I was getting a holiday package ready to send. I was so excited about giving the items, but they just didn't fit in the container so I pressed them down and shook them together to make all the surprises I wanted to give fit. Then I thought of all the tender mercies and kind offers given to my children in their time of need. God is kind and these people were kind and I know they will receive blessings for their giving; pressed down, shaken together and running over.

The Old Testament becomes new.

2015 is my 3rd time teaching the Old Testament in seminary. And guess what? I'm learning a lot. This past week has been glorious as we've been studying my all time favorite Bible hero-Joseph of Egypt. Isn't he just the greatest? For one thing, while his brothers are dealing with morality issues i.e. Reuben and Bilhah, Judah and Tamar, and their anger problems: Levi and Simeon  Joseph chooses to be a champion temptation resistor.  When Potipher's wife presents him with a bad option, he, of course flees. So, Joseph is already on my good side. But what really inspires me is the way he processes.

Today in seminary, the assigned exercise was to have the students consider their future plans in the following areas: School/Education; Occupation; Accomplishments; Church and Family.We talked about it a little and they shared their lofty educational and occupational goals. (Probably 80% want to be some kind of doctor.) Then we considered how Joseph would have completed the assignment. We're pretty sure he didn't list being sold by his jealous brothers into slavery and spending 14 years in prison in Egypt as his educational goal. How could he have imagined his position as being 2nd only to Pharoah as his occupation? And yet, that's how it went down. It's important to make plans, but the take away for me is to be open to and seek to know God's plans because they will be a lot more amazing than mine.

Like Joseph, I want to process the development of God's better plans with more courage and faith and hope. When Joseph was cast into prison, he didn't sit in the corner and pout. He didn't isolate himself because all hope was lost and he didn't like to associate with prisoners. He prayed and followed God and developed relationships  and improved. Mostly Joseph learned to listen to the Lord's voice, so when someone needed him to interpret what God's message was, he could do it. When he was given the opportunity to lead, he was ready because he didn't wait for conditions to be perfect. He and God used imperfect conditions to educate and learn and become.

And my favorite lesson taught by my favorite character is to come through the trials without bitterness and ill will and anger and doubt. He beautifully perceived that his brother's selling him into Egypt was the Lord's way of preserving their family. He freely forgave them and rejoiced in his reunion with them.

How much time do I waste replaying injustices in my mind, when I could be looking for the Lord's hand, learning to hear his voice, and preparing to serve in meaningful ways?

Thanks, Joseph, son of Jacob, for showing me faith, love, courage, hope, obedience and forgiveness. Maybe I can be a little more like you today.

What to do in calm waters.

What do we do in calm waters? We prepare for the storms. I remember vividly my mother's telling of the fable, "The ant and the grasshopper." This story was always a bit disturbing to me. I saw the wisdom of the dedicated hardworking ants but definitely remember the picture of the likeable, fun grasshopper sunning himself in a lounge chair and the serious, and frankly slightly grumpy, faces of the ants preparing for the hard times. I had to admit, I liked the grasshopper better. That's why the final picture of the starving, freezing, remorseful grasshopper was so depressing. I knew I had a tendency to think like the grasshopper. How many examples are there of preparing for the future? We have Joseph in Egypt, pioneers crossing the plains, and many others. Thank you history.

It sounds like I'm heading in a "food storage", "get out of debt" direction, and that's a good direction, but I'm not. I'm headed in a "strengthen your faith and hope and love to withstand and serve during times of spiritual drought" direction.

It's summer and all is pretty well with the Stokers, give or take a few precarious situations, but nothing is burning or drowning or exploding or starving and so what do I do? I put my feet up and relax. I watch movies at night, read my library books in the day, do a bit of housework, but mostly make myself as comfortable as possible.  That isn't necessarily my plan, just the path of rest and relaxation-the path of least resistance, if you will. There is nothing inherently wrong with these behaviors which is why I was so confused when I felt myself drifting into a grumpy, worried, selfish, less healthy state of mind.

What was the deal? I checked my list for beautiful living. I was praying, right? Well, mostly, on the run, "Thanks for everything. Please bless me with what I want." Because I'm not really in trouble, I was not connecting to the One who gave all He had and gave me all I have. In fact, I was kind of acting like I didn't need any help or ideas from anyone else. No wonder I feel like I'm alone. I didn't invite Him to come and stay.

What about studying my scriptures? Are you kidding me? Almost every morning I read at least 5 chapters of the Old Testament in preparation for teaching seminary in the fall. No, I don't remember 1/2 of what I read. I'm just trying to get to the end, but look how many chapters I've checked off!

Well, apparently that's not enough. So outside of my marathon OT reading I took a few minutes to really study a few verses for myself. I read until I learned something, asking, "What is God's message to me? What do I need to improve on? What can I learn from the lives of these people?" This tiny change made a noticeable difference in my heart. Just like He promised.

I looked at some other aspects of beautiful living. I don't think I've been particularly unkind. I haven't really yelled at anyone in my family lately. Granted I only have 2 children at home, both of whom work hard to do good things, so if I'm yelling I just look like a lunatic, which has probably always been the case. But when I had a lot of wild little kids I felt so much more justified. I did notice that since everyone is so easy to care for now, I have gotten a rather indulgent attitude. My default mode is always on the selfish side so a little "think of others" adjustment is definitely in order. My new goals: 1. When family members come home, I will get off the computer or put down my book and greet them with my full attention. 2. I will do some little things for my husband, just because I love him. 4. I will sit around with my family in such a relaxed and cheerful state, that no one knows I have anything I'd rather be doing, because I don't. 5. I will actively look for ways to be of service to others, because when I'm holing up in my home, I can be hard to find.

For me, summertime is a time for reading, not my seminary lessons and educational literature, but whatever I want-novels mostly. I plop down on the couch and enjoy the story. My summer reading lists are long. Sometimes, however, I forget that not all reading is created equal. Just because it's a best seller or rated a 5 on Goodreads doesn't mean a book is good for my soul. Some of the books I've read this summer have been wonderful. I loved "The Robe," and "Gifts from the Sea," I enjoyed "A Girl Named Zippy."But some of my reading quests have been accompanied by an increased sense of hopelessness and dip in my positive outlook stores. As I have identified this, I conclude that if my chosen reading is dragging me through misery, I can either choose to close the book and take it back to the library or make sure I'm also exposing myself to literature that brings light. It can't be all  "Anne of Green Gable's " all of the time, unfortunately, and since there is no rating system for books that I know of, I will impose my own rating system and carefully choose stories of inspiration, hope and redemption.

All this because, although we are in the calm waters of summer, the time is for resting and preparing, not becoming weak. We should gather and store the light and nourishment that is in abundance, because winter will come again for a season, It always does. And we will be able to weather through the storms because we became strong when the waters were calm and the sun bright and the harvest plenty.

The blessings of financial hardship.

The thought of unemployment is a terrifying thought for anyone, and well it should be. So of course it stands to reason that our family was very concerned when my husband lost his job. There are a million panicked places for the brain to go: "What if we have no place to live?" "What if we starve to death?" "How will my children have what they need?"  But there's one good place for the heart to go: faith in the love and power of God. As I wrestled between the places of faith and fear through what turned out to be a 7 month trial, I recognize that I had feelings and gained insights and observed kindnesses that enlarged my soul and reminded me of principles I once knew and taught me new truths I did not previously comprehend. I like to think that I don't need to always have these sore refining opportunities to learn the lessons and gain the understanding necessary to finish out my character development, but apparently I do. In the chance that others can learn vicariously through me without having this experience I am offering this free knowledge.

1. Conveniences can be inconvenient/The best things in life really are free.
The first change we made when faced with our new budget was to cancel all the extras: gym membership, taekwondo, music lessons, orthodontia, weed control,  etc. Our new budget was house payment, insurance, utilities gas and food only. I thought I would feel deprivation, but instead I felt a strange sense of relief. Purchasing non-essentials is fun, but I realized it is always accompanied by a bit of guilt and anxiety. Making do with what we already had (I confess it's a lot. I'm a bargain shopper notwithstanding my guilt feelings.) felt very virtuous and cleansing. Instead of resenting the job of cooking, I was thankful that we had stocked up on flour and yeast and other food supplies for just this kind of situation. I went to work baking and cooking from scratch and our food situation actually improved. Cooking was my new creative outlet and I discovered that providing nutritious and interesting food brought even more satisfaction than my previous creative outlet of purchasing throw pillows to redecorate or shopping the clearance racks for clothes.

We didn't have to run around crazy going to a million lessons and activities. We watched movies at home, played games together, went on nature outings, explored the library, served and worshiped at church, exercised by walking, watching fitness videos, playing tennis, and riding bikes  The children participated in school and some of it's activities. We were not able to afford the expensive sports or trips, but life was not less full.

I remember listening to a speaker describe the people in Africa as being a happy people. Since I view Africa as one of the most underprivileged civilizations I wondered how that could be.  I understand it a little better now.  Sadly, there have been times of plenty when instead of rejoicing over all my blessings I complain because I have to go the the gas station and it's not very fun. I grumble because there is so much clean laundry to fold. I have to wait too long for the water to heat up in my shower.
When I don't have much, I treasure every gift given. I thank God for butterflies and daffodils and health and electricity and loved ones.

Nothing that matters changed. I still had my marriage, my children, my friends, and my faith.

2. People are not their money. People are not their jobs. People are not their clothes. People are not their cars. People are their hearts and minds and choices.  don't think of myself as a person that worries about materialism with it's status and brands, but I learned that it takes a lot of energy to resist it's voice. With greatly reduced funds, I was excused from the temptation. I interacted with a belief and desire that I would not be measured by my current financial situation and found that I was better at offering others the same courtesy.

3. God has some very kind and generous children on this earth.
 I was astounded at the acts of mercy and love that were extended to us during our period of unemployment. There is much good in the world. When we tried to quit Gabe's percussion lesson his teacher responded, "Not yet. He's really making progress." He provided Gabe opportunities to work in his yard to contribute to the lessons. Elves came at Christmas. Friends treated me to lunch. Intermittently, money appeared in my purse. My children were mature and generous in their desire to  join together in unity and caring for our family.The financial help was appreciated, but the love that these acts of kindness conveyed strengthened my faith, lifted my spirits, and melted my heart.

With these strong emotions came the desire to lift others. I recognize that small and simple acts can make big differences in lives. We should not ignore promptings or thoughts that spur us to good deeds. We can be angels today.

4. Miracles happen. In our church we live the law of the fast. Once a month we abstain from 2 meals and then give what we would have spent on our food to the Bishop to assist the poor and needy. We are encouraged to contribute more than this when possible. This is a law we live, but when we ARE the poor and needy it is a little more painful to contribute. Our bishop invited us to demonstrate our faith and increase our fast offerings and reminded us of the promised blessings if we did. In Isaiah 58:6-11 we learn about the blessings of the fast.:

 Isaiah 58:6 

Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke?

 7 Is it not to deal thy bread to the hungry, and that thou bring the poor that are cast out to thy house? when thou seest the naked, that thou cover him; and that thou hide not thyself from thine own flesh?

 8 ¶Then shall thy light break forth as the morning, and thine health shall spring forth speedily: and thy righteousness shall go before thee; the glory of the Lord shall be thy rearward.

 9 Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am. If thou take away from the midst of thee the yoke, the putting forth of the finger, and speaking vanity;

 10 And if thou draw out thy soul to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted soul; then shall thy light rise in obscurity, and thy darkness be as the noonday:

 11 And the Lord shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.

We desired these blessings so we followed our bishop's counsel even though we were unsure of how our financial future would unfold. D&C"I, the Lord am bound when ye do what I say, but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise." The Lord kept his promises. We did not go without food. We had a warm home and good health. We felt the love of family, friends and God. We gained understanding and compassion and clarity and humility and faith, and then my husband gained employment such that we didn't even have to move. Heavenly Father is kind and I am thankful.