Don't Cry. I'm sorry.

Last week's subbing experience brought a new challenge: crying. Things were going along in the usual chaotic fashion, and then one student said, "____'s cheeks are getting rosy." I remember thinking, "That's okay, right?" Next thing I knew, tears were falling down those cute rosy cheeks. Little sad boys's heart seemed to be breaking. When I investigated I discovered that some kids had teased him about his nickname.

As a parent I had mixed feelings about forced apologies.  The "Say your sorry" brought forth an insincere and rushed "sorry" as the offender went on their way. But I wanted my children to feel remorse and compassion and a desire to change. My next move was to deal out a punishment so that the guilty party would remember that their choice brought about uncomfortable results.  I'm not sure how effective this was and it seemed there was a lot of the "sorrow of the damned" (I'm sorry I got caught") and not so much sorrow unto repentance and real change.

A couple of years ago I saw this brilliant formula on facebook (the source of so much knowledge).
I'm sorry I ___________________
This was wrong because _______________
Next time I'll______________________
Will you forgive me?

This seems to be the better way to apologize.  Sincere apology is powerful in restoring a relationship. I remember when I was little we were on a car trip, and I made a suggestion that was ignored. I laugh that I even registered this now that I'm an adult and know how many suggestions and requests a parent receives. I'm sure what I really was was tired and grumpy and feeling sorry for myself.  I sat in the back of the car and cried real tears. When my dad saw that I was crying he apologized sincerely and told me he loved me and called me "Little Laurie." Even though I wanted to continue to sulk I couldn't resist the power of his sincere remorse and concern. My hurt feelings drifted away and I was whole and acknowledged to myself that I might have overreacted a bit.

A classroom setting or any large group of children (like what we had in my family) makes it challenging to stop and restore friendships, but in the face of these tears, I felt it was important to try.  Interestingly enough, on this particular day I had 5 children cry. I don't know if I should take that personally, but lets just say we had a lot of opportunities to practice our conflict resolution. I taught the children the apology formula after the first incident. After every other incident we went through the steps.  It went like this: "I'm sorry I told you _____ likes you. That was wrong because we don't have boyfriends in second grade. Next time I won't tell you, even though it's true. Will you forgive me?"
 "I'm sorry I spit at you. That was wrong because it's gross. Next time I won't spit at you. Will you forgive me?" This didn't seem like much, but the criers were appeased pretty quickly and it was interesting to listen to the offenders verbalize their infractions. It reminded me that we probably don't need to spend much time lecturing kids. They're pretty clear on what they did wrong.

In the meantime, I could work on my apologies. My justifications may be impeding my progress . Today in seminary we read a scripture that said, "And because thou hast seen thy weakness, thou shalt be made strong." Ether 12:36 So I'm sorry I don't apologize enough. This is wrong because it keeps me from admitting guilt and becoming humble and restoring the damage I've done. Next time I'll try not to say the rude thing in the first place, and when I do say that rude thing, I'll apologize. Will you forgive me?