We need to work on our 4th of July celebration.

So, 2 years ago was the best 4th of July ever. It was the year of the family picture. All the Stoker kids were at my house at the same time, There were a lot of children, grown-ups, food, chaos, noise and fun and now I'll never be the same.

 Last year's 4th of July was saved by my niece and her family coming to visit. Once again, I loved 4th of July.

But this year, 2015, I only had 2 almost grown children and a husband in my house. That, my friends, is not enough for a celebration. What's the point of having 9 siblings and 9 children if nobody comes to visit on 4th of July? To be fair, there were efforts to plan family reunions by both groups, but it was a crazy year for siblings with 2 weddings and 3 graduations that took me to UT in May. It didn't seem feasible to go again in July. Several children (actually in-laws who somehow seem to be better planners than my actual children) tried to get people to commit to a reunion, but with different school schedules, and house purchases and in-law weddings, and our employment uncertainty we postponed the plans. It made sense at the time, and I didn't think much about it until I realized what my July 4th would look like, and then it was not okay with me. All children listen up, I want my holidays crazy and chaotic and a lot of work and inconvenience because so many of my loved ones are surrounding me. I was going to be stoic and brave and keep a stiff upper lip but decided I was going public with this tantrum. This way everyone will understand the expectations. And if you can't come to me, then just put out the air mattress and extra towels, because we're coming to you.

It's not that there were no good things happening  here on the 4th. We made an effort and the people that live here are lovely. So it is with gratitude for what I do have that I report on our Independence Day celebration.

We started the day dressing in our holiday shirts. Red, white and blue is the order of the day and indicate that the celebration has begun. By the way, this year we learned that White represents purity and innocence. Red stands for hardiness and valor. And Blue is for vigilance, perseverance and justice. Knowing that feels very festive.

We were on our way to the excellent PTC parade, but there was a downpour such that we were sure it was cancelled. Not so. Friends posted their pictures on facebook in short order and we had to be content with watching the parade vicariously through our drenched social media friends.

We spent the time at home planning our celebration. My experience has been that if there's not a list we just drift along the path of least resistance and that does not a celebration make. So we determined our holiday craft, our holiday outside activity, our holiday game, our holiday food and our holiday movie.

Our holiday craft consisted of making Birthday cards for our dear ones born on and near the 4th of July. Next up was red, white and bluifying a ping pong ball for 4th of July ping pong. Interestingly, I got some resistance to that idea. One male person in our family didn't want to waste a ping pong ball. Another was afraid that the magic marker would change the properties of the ball and alter the aerodynamics so as to ruin his game. They were kind and flexible to acquiesce to my request and did a nice job decorating said ball and donating to the cause.

There was a church hike planned  to Sweetwater creek, a place I'd wanted to go, so I was excited. However, the weather forecast predicted more rain at the hike start time, so we decided to forego this activity too. I recognized that this day was quickly becoming a regular sit around with the fam day so at this point I took action. Luckily the Sister missionaries and a good friend of mine were available to make sure it felt like a celebration. They consented to joining us for dinner. I started to feel a lot better about our fun level. We definitely needed more people for it to feel like a party. And if company was coming we'd better have some food. Guests are the best motivators.

Instead of our hike we drove a few minutes to Patriot Park. (Are we festive or what? Get it, Patriot?) We walked around the newly added veteran's memorial which was beautiful and actually felt very 4th of July-ish.

We had a lovely time with our company who added greatly to my happiness. Paul had made delicious holiday cupcakes and we enjoyed our holiday meal.

When our company left we played our family 4th of July ping pong which actually was a blast.

Our Independence Day game consisted of the girls' team designing questions for the boys' team to answer and vice versa. We didn't really make any ground rules. We just said, "Come up with historical questions about the 4th of July." There was a marked difference between the boys' questions and the girls' questions which made it...historical?

The girls' questions were:

1. Do as many push-ups as there are stripes on the flag and tell what they stand for.

2. Do as many sit-ups as there are stars on the flag.

3. Use sign language to write the last name of the person who sewed the first flag.

4. Form the numerals in the year of the Declaration of Independence with your body.

5. Name 4 real people who share the first name of the largest signature on the Declaration.

6. Where is the Declaration of Independence displayed and what are your favorite nearby museums?

7. Re-enact Paul Revere's ride.

8. Sing the song written by Frances Scott Key

9. Name the British King at the time of the Declaration of Independence.

10. What's the difference between the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights and the Constitution?

11. Who was America named after?

The boys' questions were:

1.What battle during the Civil War was the major turning point of the war?

2. What battle during World War II was the turning point in the Pacific?

3. Who was the President during the Vietnam War?

4. Which country started World War I?

5. Who invented the Polio Vaccine?

6. Where was the First Atomic Bomb tested?

7. Who was the First Governor of Georgia?

8. Who was the statesman who was a senator from Kentucky and died at the Alamo?

9. What was the first Nuclear ship?

10. Who was the First Astronaut to step on the moon?

Needless to say, the boys answered more questions.

After the game we watched "National Treasure." And that was that.

Luckily, on Sunday we were part of a lovely patriotic program at church written by Victoria Wilcox and Melinda Talley. It was during this program that I realized how blessed I am to live in this country and the sacrifice made by the patriots who declared and fought for independence for our country. And even if only 2 of my children were with me this year, I'm blessed beyond measure and have much to celebrate.

What to do in calm waters.

What do we do in calm waters? We prepare for the storms. I remember vividly my mother's telling of the fable, "The ant and the grasshopper." This story was always a bit disturbing to me. I saw the wisdom of the dedicated hardworking ants but definitely remember the picture of the likeable, fun grasshopper sunning himself in a lounge chair and the serious, and frankly slightly grumpy, faces of the ants preparing for the hard times. I had to admit, I liked the grasshopper better. That's why the final picture of the starving, freezing, remorseful grasshopper was so depressing. I knew I had a tendency to think like the grasshopper. How many examples are there of preparing for the future? We have Joseph in Egypt, pioneers crossing the plains, and many others. Thank you history.

It sounds like I'm heading in a "food storage", "get out of debt" direction, and that's a good direction, but I'm not. I'm headed in a "strengthen your faith and hope and love to withstand and serve during times of spiritual drought" direction.

It's summer and all is pretty well with the Stokers, give or take a few precarious situations, but nothing is burning or drowning or exploding or starving and so what do I do? I put my feet up and relax. I watch movies at night, read my library books in the day, do a bit of housework, but mostly make myself as comfortable as possible.  That isn't necessarily my plan, just the path of rest and relaxation-the path of least resistance, if you will. There is nothing inherently wrong with these behaviors which is why I was so confused when I felt myself drifting into a grumpy, worried, selfish, less healthy state of mind.

What was the deal? I checked my list for beautiful living. I was praying, right? Well, mostly, on the run, "Thanks for everything. Please bless me with what I want." Because I'm not really in trouble, I was not connecting to the One who gave all He had and gave me all I have. In fact, I was kind of acting like I didn't need any help or ideas from anyone else. No wonder I feel like I'm alone. I didn't invite Him to come and stay.

What about studying my scriptures? Are you kidding me? Almost every morning I read at least 5 chapters of the Old Testament in preparation for teaching seminary in the fall. No, I don't remember 1/2 of what I read. I'm just trying to get to the end, but look how many chapters I've checked off!

Well, apparently that's not enough. So outside of my marathon OT reading I took a few minutes to really study a few verses for myself. I read until I learned something, asking, "What is God's message to me? What do I need to improve on? What can I learn from the lives of these people?" This tiny change made a noticeable difference in my heart. Just like He promised.

I looked at some other aspects of beautiful living. I don't think I've been particularly unkind. I haven't really yelled at anyone in my family lately. Granted I only have 2 children at home, both of whom work hard to do good things, so if I'm yelling I just look like a lunatic, which has probably always been the case. But when I had a lot of wild little kids I felt so much more justified. I did notice that since everyone is so easy to care for now, I have gotten a rather indulgent attitude. My default mode is always on the selfish side so a little "think of others" adjustment is definitely in order. My new goals: 1. When family members come home, I will get off the computer or put down my book and greet them with my full attention. 2. I will do some little things for my husband, just because I love him. 4. I will sit around with my family in such a relaxed and cheerful state, that no one knows I have anything I'd rather be doing, because I don't. 5. I will actively look for ways to be of service to others, because when I'm holing up in my home, I can be hard to find.

For me, summertime is a time for reading, not my seminary lessons and educational literature, but whatever I want-novels mostly. I plop down on the couch and enjoy the story. My summer reading lists are long. Sometimes, however, I forget that not all reading is created equal. Just because it's a best seller or rated a 5 on Goodreads doesn't mean a book is good for my soul. Some of the books I've read this summer have been wonderful. I loved "The Robe," and "Gifts from the Sea," I enjoyed "A Girl Named Zippy."But some of my reading quests have been accompanied by an increased sense of hopelessness and dip in my positive outlook stores. As I have identified this, I conclude that if my chosen reading is dragging me through misery, I can either choose to close the book and take it back to the library or make sure I'm also exposing myself to literature that brings light. It can't be all  "Anne of Green Gable's " all of the time, unfortunately, and since there is no rating system for books that I know of, I will impose my own rating system and carefully choose stories of inspiration, hope and redemption.

All this because, although we are in the calm waters of summer, the time is for resting and preparing, not becoming weak. We should gather and store the light and nourishment that is in abundance, because winter will come again for a season, It always does. And we will be able to weather through the storms because we became strong when the waters were calm and the sun bright and the harvest plenty.

"Gift from the Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindbergh

About 20 years ago, when I was living in Las Vegas, my dear friend, Cindy Shelton, shared a book she was reading. The book was Anne Morrow Lindbergh's "Gift from the Sea." I was pregnant with my 4th child. As Cindy shared what she had learned about simplicity, solitude, love and being genuine, I remember thinking, "I'll definitely put that on my list of books to read when I have enough quiet in my world to have an uninterrupted thought for 6 or 7 minutes." Amazingly, that time has come, but I had forgotten my intentions until the title came up on a summer reading list on Facebook. I admit I read a few other books before getting around to checking this title out from the library, but what a treat it was. As Anne described her gifts from the sea, I felt the calm of the sand and the water and her thoughts washing through my muddled mind. The tangled knots of anxiety that make pretty regular appearances were smoothed and laid by. I loved her words and illusions and felt so pleased that I could spend a couple of days with her. I recommend this book to anyone who needs to take a breath of clean sea air and soak their feet in the cool rushing tide.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from this book:

"We are aware of our hunger and needs, but still so ignorant of what will satisfy them. With our garnered free time, we are more apt to drain our creative springs than to refill them. With our pitchers, we attempt sometimes to water a field, not a garden."

'"Purposeful giving [does not] deplete one's resources. It belongs to that natural order of giving that seems to renew itself even in the act of depletion. The more one gives, the more one has to give-like milk in the breast."

"Nothing feeds the center so much as creative work."

"For is it not possible that middle age can be looked at as a stage of second flowering?...of a new stage in living when, having shed many of the physical struggles, the worldly ambitions, the material encumbrances of active life, one might be free to fulfill the neglected side of one's self. One might be free for growth of mind, heart, and talent; free at last for spiritual growth."

"This is not the life of simplicity but the life of multiplicity that the wise men warn us of. It leads not to unification but to fragmentation."

"The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere."

"We seem so frightened today of being alone that we never let it happen. Now instead of planting our solitude with our own dream blossoms, we choke the space with continued music, chatter, and companionship to which we do not even listen...When the noise stops there is no inner music to take its place. We must relearn to be alone."

"It's not physical solitude that actually separates one from other men, not physical isolation, but spiritual isolation."

"Forgetting about the summer to come, one often feels one would like to prolong the spring of early love... One resents any change, even though one knows that transformation is natural and part of the process of life and its evolution...It moves to another phase of growth which one should not dread, but welcome as one welcomes summer after spring... But there is also a dead weight accumulation, a coating of false values, habits, and burdens which blights life. It is this smothering coat that needs constantly to be stripped off, in life as well as in relationships."

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction." Saint-Exupery "For in fact, man and woman are not only looking outward in the same direction; they are working outward."

"Have we been successful, working at the periphery of the circle and not at the center?"

For the vacationally challenged.

I remember going to The Magic Kingdom as a child. After 6 hours of driving down the highway in our station wagon I saw it, the green and reflective white sign, "Disneyland." Soon the Matterhorn came into view. Tears filled my eyes in response to the joy and anticipation of being at the happiest place on earth. My dad seemed willing to take us there, but didn't act as if he was in the happiest place on earth. When I questioned him on his lack of bliss he started talking to me about "opportunity costs blah, blah, blah. Dentists don't get paid vacation blah, blah blah." I thought this was lame. When I grew up I would take my children to Disneyland (if my plan A didn't turn out which included me living there) and be the happiest person in the happiest place on earth. Fast forward to now. I haven't been to Disney in 19 years. Being within driving distance from Orlando has not tipped the scales into action with the thoughts of hotel costs, food costs, travel costs, let alone park costs. Luckily for him, my number 7 child was in band in middle school, and managed to make the trip without us. That let us off the hook for awhile, but I still felt I needed to get these last 2 kids to Disney and time was running out. Number 8 child leaves for college in August. This needed to be the summer. As luck would have it, one of my friends who is very good at vacations, had some days at an Orlando time share for sale. The price was right so I committed. When it came time to actually go, it was my daughter who started back-pedaling with talk of opportunity costs, "I have a lot of music students on those days, blah, blah, blah" (third generation lame vacationer.) After being told by everyone we know that we wouldn't regret it, we bit the bullet and loaded the car.

The car ride gave me time to try and work out in my mind if I could feel good about spending money on an event with no altruistic motives other than having family fun. I mean if the park tickets were 75% off then yeah, in a heartbeat, but no discounts? Could I live with that? Besides, we like home. Our beds are at home. Our musical instruments are at home. Our stores are at home. Our routine is at home. Was this temporary relocation really necessary? We can be together as a family weeding the garden, right? But as we drove, it occurred to me that road trips are very good at making us available to each other. There we were in a 6x6 space for 7 hours, not counting the little stopover in Tifton, GA to make sure the air conditioner was going to behave itself as we got closer to the equator.

Soon we encountered the palm trees which are always a good sign that we're not in Kansas or anywhere north of zone 8 anymore. Although I've been to the FL panhandle, I started getting pretty excited to see signs like "Cape Canaveral, Cocoa Beach" and when I saw the sign saying, "Orlando 51 miles" I became giddy. My first trip to Orlando :) We checked into our hotel and scoped out the joint. Being the cheap people we are, we wanted to make sure we knew which amenities were free and which would be charged to our room. I think we got it figured out. And not gonna lie, I felt pretty good when I was reimbursed $10.00 because I had to wait so long for a pizza.  That's the kind of news that makes a cheapskate's heart sing.

How do you know when the buzzer is buzzing? Oh, you'll know.

Sunday, was really a dream day. We went to church with our good friends from WV who now live in Orlando. We were assured that going to high school next to Universal Studios has it's drawbacks, like trying to take a test while the tourists outside the window are screaming, and rides are exploding. I almost felt sorry for him until he started telling us about getting info for a research project by taking a quick after school trip to Epcot. They shared some Disney insider tips, One of which I will now share with you, "There is affordable, palatable food just to the left of Star Tours." That was true and valuable information. We loved spending the afternoon with these friends. Later, we skyped with kids (my favorite Sunday activity) worked in some naps and got psyched for our Monday Disney Day.

This glorious place is right across the street from church.
I love to see the temple.

These great friends welcomed us to Florida with key lime pie. Oxoxox

Everyone told us if we were only going to one park to make it Magic Kingdom. Upon further research, however, we discovered that Magic Kingdom is similar to Disneyland which my SoCal husband has been to numerous times. I had even gotten to the point at the end of college that I had ridden "Small World" and "Pirates of the Caribbean" sufficient amount of times as to never need to ride them again, ever. With that in mind, we chose something radical. We bought tickets for "Disney World  Hollywood Studios." We would see new shows, go on new rides, and save $40.00, woot. Our friend confirmed our decision by sharing that it was his favorite park. We were feeling good. We had our fast-passes, we were wearing our tennis shoes and carrying our water-bottles. We applied sun screen, slipped a couple of sandwiches and carrots into my draw-string bag, and my husband and I took my sister's advice and wore fanny packs. The teenagers were not that desperate and would rather carry their water and live without any other belongings. One of the great things about being old is being able to disregard conventional wisdom and wear that fanny pack if you want to.

Doesn't this make you want to cry with happiness?

We had a great day. It was hot as blazes and there was a tremor of dissatisfaction when the kids perceived that Paul and I didn't know where we were going a couple of times, But we stopped, regrouped, got our plan on and accomplished all we came to do. Our ride back to the hotel was a bit tricky as we encountered black smoke and fire trucks on the road we were traveling and traffic was stopped. We followed the example of the locals and drove on the grass median to get turned around then drove around stressed and disoriented with our GPS that couldn't figure out why we wouldn't follow instructions. Only a few people driving the streets of Orlando are mad at us, but eventually we made it back to the hotel, Day 1-a win.

Celebrities all over the place

Paul refining his animation skills

"This is for you, Mom." Frozen sing-along

Elsa, just as beautiful as you would expect.

The roller coaster riders

I took this picture because when I was little I longed for a balloon like this. It was the only thing standing
between me and happiness. I guess I've grown up, because I see that it might not have brought the happiness I imagined
Just in case, I have the picture to look at whenever I want.

Day 2 we decided on Sea World. When the vacation planner who called us that morning to schmooze us into going to a time-share presentation learned of our choice and that I had a 17 and 15 year old, he commented that I must have calm children. I laughed then realized that these last 2 are kind of calm and we were going to the right park. It's also the cheapest park. 17 year old weighed in heavily because she's the one who is leaving us and it was perfect for her. Everywhere we looked was her favorite color, water blue. The background music was inspirational instrumental, a perfect match. We thoroughly enjoyed the dolphin, seal and orca shows. We went on some animal encounters and everyone but me rode the roller coasters.  That's another great thing about being old. I've already ridden a lot of roller coasters so I can sit out now if I want and hold people's stuff.

Flamingos

Walrus. "He looks like Jabba the Hut." Gabe

If you want your picture taken, hand your phone to a random teenager. They totally know what they're doing.

Aggressive squirrel. 

 The end of a long day, Our hero went for the car while we sat in the shade:)

We stopped by Panera on the way home and everyone was happy. Well, 15 yr. old had his doubts, but he made do with his chicken tortellini. The kids swam, played Foosball and we finished up the most awesome movie in the world, Anne of Green Gables baby. Okay, Gabe watched "Lord of the Rings."

Then we drove home. On the drive I finished my library book, Paul listened to his book on tape. 17 year old practiced the ukelele and 15 yr. old watched "LOTR." I recognize that this does not exactly sound like unity, but there was companionship in our individual activities. Besides, we'd been together for 4 glorious days, making great memories, it was okay to have a little space. We'll have to do this again sometime...maybe.

The blessings of financial hardship.

The thought of unemployment is a terrifying thought for anyone, and well it should be. So of course it stands to reason that our family was very concerned when my husband lost his job. There are a million panicked places for the brain to go: "What if we have no place to live?" "What if we starve to death?" "How will my children have what they need?"  But there's one good place for the heart to go: faith in the love and power of God. As I wrestled between the places of faith and fear through what turned out to be a 7 month trial, I recognize that I had feelings and gained insights and observed kindnesses that enlarged my soul and reminded me of principles I once knew and taught me new truths I did not previously comprehend. I like to think that I don't need to always have these sore refining opportunities to learn the lessons and gain the understanding necessary to finish out my character development, but apparently I do. In the chance that others can learn vicariously through me without having this experience I am offering this free knowledge.

1. Conveniences can be inconvenient/The best things in life really are free.
The first change we made when faced with our new budget was to cancel all the extras: gym membership, taekwondo, music lessons, orthodontia, weed control,  etc. Our new budget was house payment, insurance, utilities gas and food only. I thought I would feel deprivation, but instead I felt a strange sense of relief. Purchasing non-essentials is fun, but I realized it is always accompanied by a bit of guilt and anxiety. Making do with what we already had (I confess it's a lot. I'm a bargain shopper notwithstanding my guilt feelings.) felt very virtuous and cleansing. Instead of resenting the job of cooking, I was thankful that we had stocked up on flour and yeast and other food supplies for just this kind of situation. I went to work baking and cooking from scratch and our food situation actually improved. Cooking was my new creative outlet and I discovered that providing nutritious and interesting food brought even more satisfaction than my previous creative outlet of purchasing throw pillows to redecorate or shopping the clearance racks for clothes.

We didn't have to run around crazy going to a million lessons and activities. We watched movies at home, played games together, went on nature outings, explored the library, served and worshiped at church, exercised by walking, watching fitness videos, playing tennis, and riding bikes  The children participated in school and some of it's activities. We were not able to afford the expensive sports or trips, but life was not less full.

I remember listening to a speaker describe the people in Africa as being a happy people. Since I view Africa as one of the most underprivileged civilizations I wondered how that could be.  I understand it a little better now.  Sadly, there have been times of plenty when instead of rejoicing over all my blessings I complain because I have to go the the gas station and it's not very fun. I grumble because there is so much clean laundry to fold. I have to wait too long for the water to heat up in my shower.
When I don't have much, I treasure every gift given. I thank God for butterflies and daffodils and health and electricity and loved ones.

Nothing that matters changed. I still had my marriage, my children, my friends, and my faith.

2. People are not their money. People are not their jobs. People are not their clothes. People are not their cars. People are their hearts and minds and choices.  don't think of myself as a person that worries about materialism with it's status and brands, but I learned that it takes a lot of energy to resist it's voice. With greatly reduced funds, I was excused from the temptation. I interacted with a belief and desire that I would not be measured by my current financial situation and found that I was better at offering others the same courtesy.

3. God has some very kind and generous children on this earth.
 I was astounded at the acts of mercy and love that were extended to us during our period of unemployment. There is much good in the world. When we tried to quit Gabe's percussion lesson his teacher responded, "Not yet. He's really making progress." He provided Gabe opportunities to work in his yard to contribute to the lessons. Elves came at Christmas. Friends treated me to lunch. Intermittently, money appeared in my purse. My children were mature and generous in their desire to  join together in unity and caring for our family.The financial help was appreciated, but the love that these acts of kindness conveyed strengthened my faith, lifted my spirits, and melted my heart.

With these strong emotions came the desire to lift others. I recognize that small and simple acts can make big differences in lives. We should not ignore promptings or thoughts that spur us to good deeds. We can be angels today.

4. Miracles happen. In our church we live the law of the fast. Once a month we abstain from 2 meals and then give what we would have spent on our food to the Bishop to assist the poor and needy. We are encouraged to contribute more than this when possible. This is a law we live, but when we ARE the poor and needy it is a little more painful to contribute. Our bishop invited us to demonstrate our faith and increase our fast offerings and reminded us of the promised blessings if we did. In Isaiah 58:6-11 we learn about the blessings of the fast.:

 Isaiah 58:6 

Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke?

 7 Is it not to deal thy bread to the hungry, and that thou bring the poor that are cast out to thy house? when thou seest the naked, that thou cover him; and that thou hide not thyself from thine own flesh?

 8 ¶Then shall thy light break forth as the morning, and thine health shall spring forth speedily: and thy righteousness shall go before thee; the glory of the Lord shall be thy rearward.

 9 Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am. If thou take away from the midst of thee the yoke, the putting forth of the finger, and speaking vanity;

 10 And if thou draw out thy soul to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted soul; then shall thy light rise in obscurity, and thy darkness be as the noonday:

 11 And the Lord shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.

We desired these blessings so we followed our bishop's counsel even though we were unsure of how our financial future would unfold. D&C"I, the Lord am bound when ye do what I say, but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise." The Lord kept his promises. We did not go without food. We had a warm home and good health. We felt the love of family, friends and God. We gained understanding and compassion and clarity and humility and faith, and then my husband gained employment such that we didn't even have to move. Heavenly Father is kind and I am thankful.