I'm pretty sure that if I worry enough my children will never fall short or be unhappy or make a wrong choice.

II"M PRETTY SURE THAT IF I WORRY ENOUGH MY CHILDREN WILL NEVER FALL SHORT OR BE UNHAPPY OR MAKE THE WRONG CHOICE.

I must believe this because why else would I continue to expend so much energy in areas I cannot control? Well, I try and control them, but more accurately, I have a certain amount of influence which should, under ideal circumstances, be diminishing since my children are mostly of the young adult variety.

                                                   What I think is happening:

What my children think is happening.  (Actually sometimes this happens)

What is really happening

I've tried to be brave and wear a casual front. I encourage trying new things and following dreams and inspiration. I want my children to be themselves and expect them to explore their unique gifts. I say, "Go have an adventure!" and I mean it. But my mind and heart are constantly thinking of them. I find myself trying to picture them in their spaces, hoping they're safe and content and kind and loved and honest and faithful. I have a life of my own. I sure do. I just haven't had my brain to myself for 36 years. That's fine except my brain space should represent my home space. 8 of my 9 children live outside my home, you'd think they'd be living outside my head also. A mother's love is a powerful tether.

About 20 years ago my 21- year- old brother and I were driving to the zoo in the neighboring city. He was driving my car so I could care for the children buckled into the back seats. I thought I was pretty relaxed, but then my brother asked me a question just as we were going around a ramped curve. I said, "Wait until we get past this part of the road." He laughed at me and asked if I thought it would make a difference in our safety if  I didn't stop the conversation to worry. I dismissed his ridiculous comment and assumption with a defensive statement, further proving how wrong he was. I have remembered that moment to this day. So now I admit, I do think my worrying improves everyone's safety. We didn't crash, by the way.

My worrying improves safety in the way I have chest pains when I wake up in the morning if someone I love is in spiritual, academic, social, emotional or physical peril. It improves safety in the way I ask stressful questions packed with fear to make sure everyone is on the same level of worry that I am. It improves safety in the way that my view of a hopeful and bright future is dimmed by my hyper-focus on the storm, trials and danger ahead. I guess this all adds up to my worrying improving safety not at all.

Yesterday when I was reading my scriptures I smiled as I read a familiar verse which stops me with its relevance every time. Jacob 4:18 ..."if I do not, by any means, get shaken from my firmness in the Spirit, and stumble because of my over anxiety for you." Apparently a person can be shaken from firmness in the Spirit if they are over anxious for people they care about. That doesn't sound very safe.

In church this past weekend, the teacher shared this quote that her mother had heard from Elder Robert C. Gay in Stake Conference in Tulsa, OK, "Your child has a Savior and it's not you." When I heard this I paused, and my heart began to expand and become free from it's tightly wound vigil. I not only can't save my children. I'm not supposed to. They have to choose. They have to learn. They have to turn to the One with power to save, lift, heal, magnify, and exalt.

I'm not supposed to be driving my older children's car on their life's journey. I'm not even riding in the back seat. I picture my job as standing on the side of the road with 2 signs, one with a heart so they know I love them, and one with an arrow pointing up.

My last child received his driver's license this summer.

We started the driver's education process with him studying the road rules and then taking the written test so he could procure his driver's permit. Then we had him drive slowly, very slowly around the parking lot. The next task was to drive from cul-de-saq to cul-de-saq in the neighborhood, once again very slowly. I educated him on staying in his lane and not hitting mailboxes and slowing for turns and preserving the lives of pedestrians. Next we went out on the open road with increased speed. He became the main driver to seminary, but I always backed the car out of our dangerous, slanted and curved driveway. It takes a miracle to avoid our menacing mailbox. He drove to Augusta on the GA interstate which was an exhausting and intense experience for all of us. He practiced parallel parking and backing into the parking lot and was finally ready for the driver's test. He is now a legal GA driver. But there was more for me to do. I had to actually get out of the car and trust him, even backing out of our driveway. So one night I told him to drive himself to the youth activity at church. I nonchalantly handed over the keys and said see you later. OK, I actually said, "Text me when you get there."  But, he got there and hit no mailboxes, because he is a capable, problem solving, teachable human. And when that's not enough, he is loved and watched over by heaven.

Trust is a Christ-like quality. He trusts us with agency and life and the ability to progress. As a mother my stewardship is to protect and love and educate and when the time is right, get out of the car. I can trust in the Savior and His plan and I can also trust my children to get to their final destination.They will probably scratch their car, have a flat tire, make a wrong turn, be lost for a while, maybe even totally wreck. But that's how we learn to drive. I gave them the best directions I could. I can worry if I want, but they won't be safer so I'll just drive my own car. They're in good hands.

Remember when I used to blog? Meet Me In St. Louis

As a mom and Grandma, I really like to know where my kids live. Actually, more than know, I like to see and feel. I had not seen or felt my children and grandchildren's place in St. Louis since they had moved there last summer. I rectified that problem in February and now I know how good things are for my grandchildren in St. Louis. They live in a nice home in a nice neighborhood in the middle of an Illinois field-very flat of course. They go to church where their grandma sings in the choir. When 10 yr. old plays on the upward basketball team, his Grandma and Grandpa and uncle who used to be his coach come to watch. He's not intimidated by the refs because one of them is, coincidentally, another uncle. He plays the clarinet and reads books for days and gets dropped off by the school bus right by his front door

5 yr. old plays Funny Bunny and kitchen and Star Wars and video games and makes plans for his future. He has a secret. He has not ruled out being a bad guy as a career. Sometimes he goes to preschool and the rest of the time he spreads joy. He is deadly at Stratego. I wouldn't say he cheats, but his guys have powers that my guys do not. They fly, they shoot missiles, basically they are invincible.

Erica is a wonderful mother, wife and photographer. She also is a Christian friend giving hope and love, pointing people towards the Savior.

Daniel makes life great, playing games, working hard, supporting his family, and spreading wry humor and a touch of sarcasm.

I loved my time with them.

Happy Mother's Day to me. 2017

So for my Mother's Day happiness I requested a virtual talent show. My lovelies did not disappoint. 

https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B5j5CZz9UwKIUjdodzRRNHg5UGc

 

From Andrew:

Hey Mother, Mom, and Mommy

it's hard to find the right words of appreciation

if I find someone like you I'll be lucky

Someone who is so smart, awesome, and fun

I love you to the moon and back

That's why it's so great that you are mine

You even put up with me when I'm a maniac

Your smile is so bright, it practically is like sunshine

So I just thought I would write this poem to say

I love you so much and Happy Mother's Day!

Remember when I used to blog? Christmas 2016

Everyone knows the best blogging/journal keeping/history recording takes place as soon after the event as possible. This encourages accuracy and proper perspective. Unfortunately, blogging about Christmas at the end of February is not soon after the event. But worse than delayed blogging is not blogging. So this report may or may not be completely true, but the pictures are proof that something happened in December probably much like the story I tell... only a lot better.

Christmas is a big deal around the Stoker house, not because we have amazing presents, or a sparkling house, or a beautiful tree (okay, we had a beautiful tree) but because we love the Savior, and family comes to visit! 2016 looked a little bleak because of the sparse attendance by family members. Thankfully, my college kids brought themselves and all the fun they had to offer. We filled in the spaces with friends and took a little road trip so Christmas was still very merry and bright.

Caroling. We put the cute ones in the front so people would be happy to see us.

That moment when one plays the guitar in their onesie.

games and jokes

Back at the Sultan's kitchen, just like old times.

Man down. A little break from the merry and bright.

Treat making day.

Our Christmas Eve eve party

We started with the "Whobilation" in 2013. 2014 brought the "Elf" party. Last year we had a "Snow Ball" and 2016 was the "Jingle Bell Rock." thanks to the Waldorf's for making it fun.

On Christmas Eve we headed to Augusta to be with our son, Nathan, and his wife and her family since Nathan had to work. 

After a marvelous time in Augusta we headed back to Fayetteville to play our little hearts out until the college kids had to go back to work. I wasn't done playing yet so I decided to tag along to SLC. That proved to be profitable since Aaron and Jacob were both there with their families for different reasons. So, more party :)

We were picked up from the airport by these darling people. (and their parents) Theo welcomed us with this smile. When Isla woke up she helped us learn the "Honeybee"  song. It's her favorite so we listened to it ...a lot.

Nothing says "holiday" like Indian food. It was delicious and I was in heaven surrounded by children and grandchildren.

 Darling Cousins

Next stop was "Nickel City." I hadn't actually been there before but apparently it's a "must do" in Provo.

 Bowling was the next activity. It was an exciting night. First we had to find a bowling alley that had room for us. Bowling at Christmas is big in Lehi, UT. Then we had to remember how to bowl, Well, I had to remember how to bowl. This, while keeping the brave and busy toddlers alive. And we had to talk. I loved it all.

Lucy came bowling in her apron :)

Is there anything cuter than bowling shoes for 2-yr. olds?

And then, after all this fabulousness I looked at the flights to Atlanta and they were booked. My best option was to fly home via Portland. Happy New Year to me!

For our dinner we had gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches, Koi fusion, and something with falafel.
Why is everything I've eaten in Portland delicious?

My lucky day. Lunch with spiderman.

Isaac

Annabelle and Josh

Our New Year's Eve party was off the chains. These two were in
charge of prizes for the game winners. Why yes, there is a dirty sock
prize option.

Sunday clothes and board games with Dad. A great day.